Through extensive research and an innate ability to sniff out douchebaggery, I have compiled a list of the 10 biggest tools in political media. They are in no particular order, as their tool vibe fluctuates from day to day. Be warned: reading this post may cause tool stank to rub off on you.
1. Larry Kudlow
This relic of a douchey day gone by continually surprises me with his level of insanity. The loyal knight of free-market capitalism paints a rosy picture of our fake economy on a nightly basis. Time and time again he has been proven wrong, yet he gets to go home to his swanky pad and smoke a cigar while he laughs at all of the "lesser folk." I would not be surprised if he has fresh children from a third-world country flown in nightly so he can feast on them. That being said, my girlfriend is irked that I can't get me enough Kudlow.
2. Ron Christie
This guy makes my skin crawl every time I catch him on TV. He has nothing going for him. A black, closeted homosexual Republican is probably not the ideal thing to be at a family get together. This googly-eyed creature continually lies through his teeth on any show that will give him air time. But just like with Kudlow, I simply can't turn away.
3. Stephen Moore
This toad sucks from the tit of capitalism and unfortunately has not choked on it yet. He is a frequent guest on CNBC and has even ventured onto the set of Bill Maher. I frequently envision myself shoving a high-school version of Mr. Moore into a locker. The thought of the free market gives him ample whack off material. It is my hope that he becomes more known to the public so all can share in his level of gawky awkwardness.
4. Jim Cramer
His blend of financial journalism and zany entertainment makes me wanna put my hand in a blender. After years of stealing from people, Mr. Cramer decided it was time to become the defender of the common investor by giving them faulty stock advice. Nothing was more gratifying than watching Jon Stewart decimate him with his own words. It was ownage at it's finest.
5. Rush Limbaugh
Nowhere in the history of the world has someone made more money by being a fat, drug addict, racist asshole. Spinning his vitriolic lies into fact for a very naive segment of the population, Mr. Pigface has turned himself into a cult-like leader. Smoking his cigar, and pinching his chubby flanks all the way to the bank, Rush is the ultimate douche.
6. Glenn Beck
He is new to the scene and is getting lots of publicity lately, but do not let that fool you into thinking he is a virgin tool. Whether it is spontaneously bursting into tears, calling Obama a racist, spouting off about the government trying to kill us all, or touching on his rectal problems, Mr. Beck is an uber-tool. He will not let every advertiser on Earth leaving his show stop him. His douchiness will snowball until it causes an avalanche all over America.
7. Michael Savage
His real name is Michael Weiner. I could probably stop there. His xenophobic lectures against America and his rants against autistic kids almost puts him on the top of the biggest prick list. But none of this holds a candle to the fact that the man changed his last name from Weiner to Savage. That pretty much says it all. Mr. Weiner, you are a tool no matter what you change your name to.
8. Brian Williams
This man makes me think Anchorman was a documentary. It may be his fake anchorman voice, his goggle marks from the tanning bed, or the fact that he hosted SNL yet claims to be the epitome of a real newsman, but I just cannot accept him. Never has a human being had a more fake and contrived aura. Every time this man reads the news, Walter Cronkite rolls over in his grave, takes a hit from his bong, and giggles angrily. If he decides to report real news, such as the massive number of war crimes of the past 10 years, I will try to take him seriously.
9. Brian Kilmeade
Maybe it is the beady eyes, or his miniature fro, or the fact that he thinks only white people are real Americans, but he reeks of asshole. His Fox and Friends crew deliberately lies to the American people every morning, filling their heads with propaganda and nonsense. His classic argument with Jesse Ventura over torture proves his willingness to give in to the dark side. Do yourself a favor and tune in if you're ever feeling the need for a good chuckle or if you need some proof that the world is close to complete capitulation. If I knew you could make a living from lying, I would have gone to whatever university produced this renob.
10. Bill O'Reily
This guy is the Michael Jordan of douches. If we compared this tool contest to a dick-measuring contest, Bill O' Reily would be Secratariat. He comes in at the top of any tool list based on sheer longevity. But his true brilliance is shown in the word vomit that spews from his horrid mouth on a nightly basis. He has such gems as the Falafel incident, his dinner with Al Sharpton, and his willingness to call any number of well respected people "pinheads." His arguments with Bill Donahue, and the son of a 9/11 victim are wonderful examples of his attempts to bully facts with sheer ignorance. His shouting matches make me cringe, and no person can deny that he is the "king of tools." I have a feeling his reign will be long and prosperous, at least for him.
That concludes my list of the biggest tools in the world of political punditry. Feel free to show me your lists of douchebags or weigh in on my list in the comments, on Twitter, or on Facebook. And as always, you can email me at shoestoporn@gmail.com.
